Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wildlife Safety. In the last month or so I've read several news stories about not-so-smart humans having disastrous encounters with our ursine brethren. I'm not sure why Yogi and his clan have suddenly become hungry for human flesh (perhaps it has something to do with people destroying their beautiful, tree-filled habitats), but I'm fairly confident, Jason, that if you and I ever frolicked through a meadow in bear country, we would be just fine. How can I be so certain? Well, for one thing I'm intelligent enough not to leave delectable morsels next to my car/tent/bicycle or slather my luscious body with honey (heaven forbid Winnie the Pooh track me down and lick me from head to toe). I was a Girl Scout once upon a time, so I know to hang food from tree branches (or extremely tall older brothers), out of reach from a grizzly's razor-sharp claws. Also, armed with the knowledge that mosquitoes aren't partial to my blood, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't taste good to a bear either. He would probably take a chunk out of my meaty thigh, spit my flesh out in distaste, and amble off in the opposite direction, warning his friends not to bother with the gamy, two-legged creature hanging out with every bear's favorite movie star. This past July I spent a week in Whistler, B.C., where I encountered twelve adorable brown bears, one of them from about 50 feet away during a morning jog. None of them seemed the least bit interested in me...much to my disappointment. Lastly, I grew up watching old Disney live-action films like The Parent Trap, and if those precocious twins taught me anything it's that bears simply detest the sound of two sticks banging together (especially when created by a gold digging, sour-faced socialite who would clearly make a frightful stepmother). All in all I think it's pretty clear you have no reason to fear a bear attack once we're friends. Unfortunately, Jason, I can't say the same if we're hanging out in Seattle's gay neighborhood and a different kind of bear catches your scent. You're on your own for that one.